A Batty Life

Guilty Conscience vs. Compassion

Feeling like I could puke, and my legs were going to brake due to the painful heat jumping out of them weakening me, I had no choice but to yell WOO HOO!, and YEA! with every push in my last breaths because I felt so bad for the stinkin’ instructor since the class was quieter than a library full of sleeping babies.

Then there was the time our waitress looked all sad and I told her sometimes you just need to talk about it, and MAN did she ever, so much so that I missed eating listening to all of her strange issues,I mean how could I eat??? Although…it didn’t seem to even phase my mother…

Not too long ago I felt bad for the new girl in my daughters class, so I tried to make her comfortable telling her about the time I tried to be funny and gassed myself by accident in front of the boy I liked,
forgetting the fact that I am a 36 year old woman….

I have soooo many experiences in my life where I am too busy feeling bad for people,and I wind up getting in a weird position I can’t escape, or acting bizarre putting my foot in my mouth.

So whats up? Why? Which is it guilty conscience or compassion?

I just don’t like when I see someone being ignored, or with a chance that they may be sad, discouraged, or dismissed. And to imagine for even a second that I was responsible for making them feel that way is too much to bear!

Perhaps its due to the fact that for most of my adulthood basically I have been a loner in this world. And all the hard work that I have done to pull myself deep into denial and be OK with it has been a long hilly road, and one that not everyone can handle without being broken down.
Man seems so deep when I put it like that, sheesh who knew?!

Thankfully I have my family, and I have Facebook and Twitter…AKA people from a far, and yes I have 2 physical friends that are always way too busy to hang…And the great teachers at our school that like me when I’m there…
Honestly, sometimes its hard to be a loner as I see so many people with a crap load of friends always having parties, on the phone, even talking in the neighborhood or on the car line at school. Although I am so happy for them that they have a support system if needed, and someone to talk to anytime of the day, I find myself a little lonely some days, and well I just don’t want anyone else to feel that way.
(That is where I usually start making a fool of myself)

But….
Then, there are times when I am giving out hugs to beautiful people I don’t know that are on cloud nine feeling brawny and victorious at the Special Olympics wearing their medals .
Or making grumpy bitter old woman who just want to be left alone, smile if only for a 1/2 hour, and actually love it! Times where we act like the Easter Bunny and make children and their mothers forget they are homeless for that hour. Times where I get to know men living in the streets give them hope,and acceptance.

Most importantly there are 365 days where I get to hang with the coolest little kids in the world, and really get to know, respect and enjoy them. Those kids, are mine.
And, when he’s home, I get to laugh, chill and play with my best friend, my husband.
So…You see I’ll take loner any day if these are the rewards I get instead.

In the end I just want everyone to be happy, because I am, and truthfully… because I understand and really care.
But…No one said it was going to be easy having compassion…
….or having a Guilty conscience…

This entry was posted on Friday, June 25th, 2010 at 9:40 am and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.